Death ~ Divorce ...

Greg Harvey says in Grieving for Dummies (yes you read right, there is such a thing):  When you lose your spouse through death, you obviously get no say-so in the matter. This lack of control and utter helplessness is in strong contrast to the loss of a spouse through divorce, which, though it may be unavoidable, is still an act of will rather than a loss of control over one's destiny.

Lack of control is the salient factor in the profound loss of any loved one. In the death of a spouse, however, you face the loss of someone you specifically chose to be with and whom fate saw fit to take from you.

Earlier, I wrote about the well-intended statements I had heard and this is one that sticks with me, "I understand, I went through a divorce."  Although I am not making light of the other's need to relate to my pain and want to express understanding, it really does not lighten the load.  Until today, I could not really put the words to what I was feeling about this comparison.  It took this Grieving for Dummies to articulate what I could not.  So thank you Mr. Harvey of Grieving for Dummies.

I began blogging after meeting two wonderful young widows online and one of them expressed her shear outrage at having the death of her husband compared to the experience of a divorce.  Although her feelings were stronger than mine, I can honestly say that I can relate and was somewhat relieved that I was not the only one feeling this.  Mental note:  remember that there are no right ways of thinking while grieving - it's okay to feel what you are feeling as long as it is safe of course!

A couple of months before Bill died, we were sitting in the living room and having a great chat. This was not the first time we had talked about this subject but it is the one I remember clearly; probably due to its timeliness.  This chat had been prompted by our feelings regarding a friend of ours who had recently lost his wife and had already moved into a new relationship.  We had talked about the fact that we were still so very much in love and that how satisfying it was to know that  "divorce" was foreign to us.  Indeed, we knew we were blessed. 

We talked about not ever wanting to go back to the "dating" scene and how hard it must be to do so.  I asked Bill if he would ever remarry if I were to die.  He simply said that he had been a bachelor for a very long time before he knew me and that he would return to being a bachelor because he was okay with being on his own.  I responded that I was pleased with this answer (with a great big smack on the cheek) and that if I were to die first, I would hope that he would cremate me and put the ashes in a case to carry around in his shirt pocket.  This was my favourite place in the world, head on his chest, listening to the comforting sound of his heart and feeling his warm breath on my head.  I know, this is a little morbid and Bill said so too.  At any rate, he said, as he always did, that he would not have to worry about this because he would die first.

Of course, he asked the same of me and I told him that I would never go back to dating let alone remarry.  I had known enough bad relationships in my life to know that I was living the best and would never settle for less; that to find this again in one lifetime would be impossible.  He seemed saddened by my response.  He simply said that he would have hoped that I would pay our marriage a compliment by remarrying.  That I had had a great experience being married and I would want to be married again.  Yes folks - told you he was a wonderful, warm-hearted human being.  I ponder those words today.

I now have the words - When you lose your spouse through death, you obviously get no say-so in the matter.  For those of you who have lost a spouse through divorce, and you got no say-so in the matter, I am truly sorry.  In the death of a spouse, however, you face the loss of someone you specifically chose to be with (and he with you) and whom fate saw fit to take from you.  This is where we differ; we are on a different journey - one no less painful nor equal to the other, just different. 

For the widow/ers out there know that our grief blinds us to the sincerity with which these statements are made, so put them aside for a later time.  For those who so desperately want to say something to lighten our load with words, know that we love you to bits for being there for us, but please do not compare your experience with ours. 

A great big bear hug, a warm knowing smile (about loss) and a strong shoulder to lean on ... that is what we need because it says ... you are not alone and you will be okay.