The "L" word! ....

From Wikipedia:  Loneliness - the state of "feeling lonely", describes a human state of feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc.  Often accompanied by a sense of yearning for connection.  Usually manifests through hopes of romantic redemption in the arms of another.

Hmmm ...

·        state of "feeling lonely" .... checked

·        feeling involving isolation ... checked, checked

·        feeling of disconnection with others ... checked, checked and triple checked!

·        ... redemption in the arms of another .... back the bus up!  So not there!  Had a great set of arms to hold me - none to compare!

I admit that loneliness is a huge part of being a widow and I went searching for the word because I was hoping to find a synonym that would make a more powerful statement - back to loneliness.

In yesterday's blog, I spoke of the deafening silence in the night.  I daresay, this silence also follows you through the day.  This comes with losing your spouse.  It screams at you when you find yourself out with other couples as you watch them tenderly lean their heads together, whispering sweet nothings punctuated with giggles and meaningful looks; its banshee  screeches chase you as you drag your unwilling little butt up to bed and it wails reaches the depths of your heart when you reach for the phone because you want to call and let him know that something life altering just happened - in this case he died!  Old news to him I'm sure - dang he stole my thunder!

You see, for the past 26 years, Bill was the one I turned to in times of personal success, in times of deep sorrow and we were a team in all decisions.  So now that I need him the most, because it is the first time in my life that I feel the most alone - because he is gone - he is gone.  All other losses in my life seemed manageable because I knew that he would take me into his arms and whisper quiet reassurance that this too shall pass and I could do the same in return.

My Earth Angels have been so good to me, trying to help fill this silence when I seem to need it and have shown great understanding when I have on more than one occasion called in the middle of the night, desperate to feel connected.  But in the end, it is what it is - alone, aka loneliness.  I am the first in my circle to experience this type of loss and it will be my privilege to hold Shiva with those who follow, and by doing so, letting them know that they too will one day be okay.