Our dreams, hopes and plans ...

My biggest struggle right now with this journey, is recognizing that the life I had before Bill died has pretty well died with him.  Our hopes of finally getting back to being just the two of us, the dream of spoiling our grandchildren together and the plans of making modest trips together, have been buried with Bill.  I have changed because he is no longer here for me to love and he is no longer here to love me.  I have not only changed emotionally, but physically too.  I see it in the mirror in the morning or in recent pictures; the smile no longer reaches my eyes.

I loved those chats where we would plan on how we would spoil our grandchildren then be content on handing them back to our sons, how we would plan a trip for the purpose of finally seeing Sarah Brightman on stage or even the simple plans of having the back deck finished mosquito free where we could lounge sipping martinis!

  

While removing the clutter from my room, I came across a box.  This box held so much.  It was a box that Bill had put his treasurers (news to me).  It had letters and cards I had given him over the years.  Included was this age-stained paper on which I had poured my heart out in the form of a poem.  The words were timeless as they were true in the beginning and enriched by the years.  It speaks of dreams, plans and much hope.

For so very long, I've searched,

  for so very long, my heart thirst.

Then into my life you came,

  since, nothing has been the same.

You've given my life new meaning,

  something to look forward to.

I'm now able to go on dreaming,

  of a life really meant for two.

For these reasons, and many more,

  I do love you.

Your friend, your woman, your mate.

At first, Bill's death left the obvious holes.  There was no more Bill.  There was no more seeing, smelling, holding or sharing with him.

Now, as time passes, more holes open up.  I no longer have his support with our sons, no one to help with the maintenance of the house and the biggest is that I no longer have him here to talk to in the intimate way we did.  All of my life, I don't think I have ever felt so completely alone; nor ever felt the weight of loneliness like this.  In the last few years, we were entering our solid comfort zone in life.  We were okay with our jobs - Bill looking forward to retirement, we were content with having raised three wonderful, warm-hearted young men and we could not see life without each other.  We had been together for 26 years and were still so very much in love.  We were still very surprised and appreciated the little things we did for each other.  It never grew old to make him breakfast and serve it to him in bed - and this was fuelled by his reaction when I would come into the room with the platter, "What's this?" he would say every time!  I would always smile and say, "Because I love you and you deserve it!"  As I have said before, Bill was a man who appreciated the small things!  He asked for very little and appreciated everything!

So Bill is gone, and I am left behind.  I am left to live enough for the two of us where our family is concerned.  I am left behind to carry on with the plan - our plan - what plan?  A new plan? 

One that will see me through to being okay.