In my discussions with family and friends - or shall I call them my Earth Angels - I always refer to my list of Top 10 Things not to say ... We have had many laughs about the content of my list and a few requests came in to publish my list. Please note that I am not alone in publishing such a list, and as others before me, would like to state that I don't remember who said what and hope that you do not see yourself in this list! My intent is to have you join in the humour; not to make anyone feel badly. So here goes!
1. "I understand, or I know what you are going through."
Initial Reaction: You don't! You can't! Your loss is yours and mine is mine; this is my sandbox and you can't play in it!
Reflection: It boils down to the unique relationship I had with Bill - much like it was about your unique relationship with husband/wife, mother/father, son/daughter and oh, I can't believe I'm writing this ... your pet (yes folks you read right). No one can possibly understand the depth of what I feel ~ I don't understand. Out of this, I have resolved that I will not say to another widow/er, or another grieving person, "I understand". I would be more inclined to say "This sucks, or don't forget to breathe ..." or better yet, say nothing.
2. "God has a plan."
Initial Reaction: A plan? To do what? Whatever it is it sucks!
Reflection: When you are in the fog of grief, you are looking for meaning and are looking for someone/something to blame. Don't assume that this will lighten the load - do assume that God will get blamed! Now that isn't really what you wanted was it?
3. "God must have needed Bill in Heaven"
Initial Reaction: Much like #2 God seemed to be doing okay with Bill here. What would he be wanting him in heaven for? Sweeping the floors? I rather liked watching him sweep the floors here - especially when he wore his tight jeans, muscle shirt and no socks - YUM!
Reflection: While in the fog of grief, this places the loved one somewhere that is not concrete doing something you're not sure about. Let the bereaved come to that conclusion on their own.
4. "God doesn't send you more than you can handle."
Initial Reaction: Ouch - God sent this to me?
Reflection: The first days are not the time to be reminded of God's love because it doesn't feel like He's very loving. If this is something the individual believes in, they will find their way back and realize that God is with them on this journey and is sometimes carrying them when they are not strong enough.
5. "This first year will be your hardest - the first of everything."
Initial Reaction: Shoot me now! I have to feel this pain for a full year?
Reflection: Do you know how long a year seems when in pain? Really, this is like handing over a sentence; not to mention that you have been reminded of this by many, many, many people! Now that my six months are up, I have come to the conclusion that the "first of everything" is a lifelong journey - first time one of the kids graduates, the first time one of the kids gets married, the first time I buy a car on my own, etc... Lets adopt the one moment at a time philosophy. No need to remind us.
6. "Call me or call me if you need anything."
Initial Reaction: Groan, great something else I have to do! How the heck do I know what I need - other than I want my husband back?
Reflection: Don't ask the person to call, call them. Bring coffee and just sit with them - no words needed. Hold "Shiva" with them.
7. "How are you?"
Initial Reaction: How the heck do you think I am? Look at me! I guess I don't look as bad as I feel!
Reflection: Unless you are prepared to sit a while and listen to the sobs, don't ask; and if you choose to sit and listen, don't feel like you need to "fix it" or explain it away.
8. "Hang in there."
Initial Reaction: In where? Right now, "there" is "here" and it doesn't feel too good. To what end?
Reflection: Not sure I have something to offer here ... maybe with time I will come to see some wisdom in this one.
9. "What can I do for you?"
Initial Reaction: Same as #5. I have no idea what I want - can you find (bring back) Bill?
Reflection: Indeed, it is difficult to think past the fog and the pain. I remember thinking that I simply wanted someone to come over and just sit with me. Just sit and say nothing because there are no words.
10. "You're still young and pretty ... you can find love again when it is right."
Initial Reaction: Groan - but I had love! He was my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I don't want someone else - I want Bill!
Reflection: Believe me, the last thing you want to do is find someone else only to place yourself in the path of possibly going through this again!
okay ... maybe few more!
11. "I understand, I went through a divorce." ~ Well that was the subject of another recent blog.
12. "Merry Christmas ~ or ~ This is going to be a very difficult Christmas for you."
Initial Reaction: Bah - humbug! Believe me, there will be nothing Merry about it! Groan, don't need to be reminded that it will be difficult!
Reflection: The jury is still out on this one ... still haven't fully absorbed my reaction to the weeks leading up to Christmas - let alone New Years Eve itself - not very pretty!
As I mentioned at the beginning, I understand that these things were said with a great deal of love and sincerity - thank you! However, I am hoping by offering my perspective it may cause people to reflect before approaching a newly bereaved person ... it sure has for me!
On a more positive note ... let me offer these things that I appreciated and continue to need to hear:
1. "There are no words."
2. "You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers."
3. "This sucks."
5. "I love you."
6. "My heart aches for you."
7. "I'm sorry that I never got to know Bill; I know he meant so much to you."
8. Any time someone shares a memory of Bill.
9. "Can I come over?" I need to qualify this one, be prepared if I say it is not a good time, because my face is puffy, my eyes are red and my heart is not in it. Don't take this personally, it is only me respecting the parameters of my temporary space.
Or simply a bear hug that says ... your okay!
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