In an earlier blog, I wrote that I often feel like I am the half of a torn picture. This feeling, at times feels so real, that I walk around feeling like I have forgotten to grab his hand, forgotten to wait for him to catch up, or for me to catch up - I physically glance over thinking I will catch a glimpse of the other half of the picture.
After sharing this with you, the fog started to lift on this one. Now I can name it, and do claim it - I miss the feeling of completeness. You know that feeling; the feeling that you have all that you need and that everything is well and you are safe. I often would say to Bill, "It is so nice to come home and know that we can close the door on the world for a while because we have all that we need right here." I would also often tell him that I loved the way he made me feel safe.
What a blessing it is feeling complete. For now, it is only a memory. So real is this feeling of incompleteness that the visual of this torn picture breaks through in my mind in the most irrational moments and it brings with it the thoughts that my needs for love, safety and connectedness will never be mine again.
Friday evenings at the Walton's were always met with great anticipation. They were always our breathing space. Sitting back sipping on a martini, listening to Sarah or Enya - completeness! We were comfortable with the silence, we didn't need words, we had everything we needed - each other. As I said, we could close the door on the world and we were fine. I remember thinking many times how blessed we were.
My heart aches to have that completeness again; it cries out to Bill to come reassure me that I will be okay.
I do know that I loved Bill enough to know that I would not have wanted him to feel this pain, to feel disconnected and wander about seeking a "new normal".
But in my journal, there are numerous references to a promise to myself, and to Bill, that I will live enough for the both of us - that I will find my new place in the world. There is much to look forward to and to share with our three beautiful young men. So for now, I will simply need to put one foot in front of the other and let the world in.
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