Memories

"Lost love is still love.  It just takes a different form, that's all.  You can't hold their hand, you can't tousle their hair.  But when those senses weaken, another comes to life - Memory.  Memory becomes your partner, you hold it, you dance with it.  Life has to end, love doesn't." - The Five People You Meet in Heaven

I made it through some pretty heavy stuff these last six months ~ the monthly anniversaries of his death, what would have been our 25^th wedding anniversary, the start of college for all three boys, their birthdays, Bill’s birthday, Christmas and the beginning of 2011 - a new calendar year that he would not be part of.

These are milestones I am told ... I simply call them boulders; you feel them getting heavier and heavier as the “dates” nearer.  Their weight robs you of the ability to breath normally, let alone everything else you need to do.  The “day” comes and goes and you toss that stone into the big pit of “firsts” never to feel their weight again – the first of everything.  For each “first” is a boulder that will soon begin to fill the hole!

Like the time I went the grocery store to buy toilet paper; this was the first time I had to buy toilet paper and Bill was not with me.  I had to make a decision on what toilet paper to choose.  You really need to make a visual here – lady standing in front of rows of different types of toilet paper, shoulders rounded, aged by grief with tears streaming down her cheeks looking rather perplexed.  On the one hand, the soft three-ply that Bill always insisted on buying or the cheaper brand, maybe a little rougher but still does the job and easier on the wallet.  I remember having these exchanges with Bill and he always won on this one (and a few more for he was a creature of small comforts); he needed something strong and yet soft for his cute little butt!  This would be a first, but certainly not the last decision to be made before a grocery isle.


Through these “firsts” I’ve kept my head up and moved forward even though some days all I wanted to do was stay in bed and wish the world away.  Some days my head and my heart feel much too heavy to lift and continue on but I somehow find a way to walk through it.  I know that the “somehow” is Bill’s love.  I really feel it’s days like these that he pours down a little extra love for me to quench my thirst and sustain me.  It is with this little extra love that I step forward in trust that I will one day be okay.