From my journal ...

I have not been able to write in the last few days.  I continue to fill my days with work, choosing not to linger in the grief because the pain is too great.  I have chosen to ignore what tomorrow, the next hour, the next moment will bring.  I am in the moment only because I know in it, I can be busy.  But your memory is branded in my brain, in my heart and for the last few days, you seem only absent, as if you would be back any moment now.  Not this morning!  You are gone!  Gone from my sight, from my ears, from my touch and smell.  The pain of losing you is back full force!  I miss you Bill.  You the person.  I miss your hand on my shoulder, the smell of your warm neck, and oh I so miss your smile!  I miss sitting with you.  I miss watching you getting ready for work, tying your shoes, teasing me about my workout, watching you walk to your car with your coffee cup.  I miss the promise of seeing you over lunch and of another Friday evening.  I miss you and I miss it all.  I always knew that I was living on borrowed time with you; that I would be left behind to live out my earthly days without you.  I had always hoped that we would be taken together after our sons were on their way to their own lives with a wife and family, that we would be taken together so that neither one would live this loss.  I miss you Bill. 

I am not okay.  Everyone says I am so strong, but I am not without you.  You have been my rock, my safe place.  It did not matter what life dealt us, you were my touchstone, my safe place.  Nothing feels right, nothing feels the same.  The boys are moving on and are growing impatient with this place.  They need to be alive and not in this place.  My mind says it is right that they should move forward but my heart is saying I am being left behind again.  I'm scared Bill.  I'm scared to be left in this grief alone.  Yet I know I must because you were mine.  You were supposed to be mine to grow old with.  You were supposed to be here to hold me when my mom died; you were supposed to be here to help me continue with life's happiness and sorrows.  Where are you?  Where are your arms when I need to feel safe?  Where is your gentle voice telling me it is time to sleep?  Where is your quiet, safe silence when I simply need to cry myself to sleep because I wonder about our boys?  I am not strong as others keep saying.  I am alone without you and I am feeling so very alone and afraid.  I hear and see life going on without you, without me.  Why do I feel such a responsibility to life?  Everyone says to call when in need, but how can they know this sense of being alone?  How can they understand this sense of not knowing how to go on?  I could take some comfort in the fact that another sunrise will happen promising me an opportunity to be living enough for the two of us.

This was written on August 25th, 2010 2:00 a.m.

At times I feel that not much has changed but then I take inventory and realize that more important, is what has changed!  There are okay days now.  To you my sisters and brothers in grief, know that you are not alone with these types of thoughts and you are not going crazy!


My Earth Angels have given me comfort in their wings.  When my legs can no longer carry me or my heart does not want anymore, their wings offer me warmth and strength to move forward.  Thank you!  Because of you - I will be okay!