Just Musing ...

As I look down at the nearly flate tire, I groan and think, "Life without Bill is really challenging!"  It isn't the caveman thing here, I can take the little "thingy" out and pump air into the tire just like he would do, it's just that he took pleasure in looking after this stuff for me!

Which brings me to the topic of today's musing.  I have made reference in previous blogs, to finding my "new normal".  What exactly is this?

Ever since Bill died, I have gotten up every morning, made myself a cup of coffee (thanks Seth for the Kerig Christmas present), spend time with him through my journal and then start to think of what needs to get done today.  Even if I can no longer reach over and touch his hand or curl into him before going to sleep, he continues to occupy my every waking moment as he did when he was alive.  So is my "new normal" everything the same but without the pleasure of actually being with him?

After coffee, I drive to work and do my work as best I can, come home to make lists of things that need to be done - work, home, car, kids, dog, myself.  Same but without the pleasure of curling up to him on the couch and letting the day wash away with a stroke of his hand over my arm or being soothed by his wonderful warm laughter as I would recount the day's events!  How the man let me go on and on and on about this and that!

I get ready for bed, hmmm ... now here is something different, I no longer always take the time to get undressed and slip into pyjamas.  I generally simply fall into my bed, most nights fully dressed because it takes too many blankets to get warm and too exhausted to care about taking the time to get into my PJ's.  Bill would chastise me for going to bed without taking the time to get into my PJ's.  He would say, "Get your pyjamas on before you fall asleep.  Otherwise I will have to wake you up to get changed."  I sometimes think it is my sub-conscious saying, "You have no opinion on this honey!"

So for now, my life is not all that different, and yet everything feels unfamiliar.  I live in the same house, have the same job and I still shop WalMart.  What is different is that I now do this alone.  I do hope that this is not the "new normal" I keep reading about.  I hope that new normal really means that one day, I will enjoy doing all of these things again, and that I will be okay doing it all by myself.