Grant me serenity ...

I understand that this is not really a good thing to dwell on, but I think it is worth a few moments to claim this ache that has been in my heart, to give it words and in doing so, acknowledge and let it go.

I sometimes wonder what were Bill's final thoughts as he watched us working diligently on his body to start his heart?  What were his final thoughts as I cried out "Bill don't leave me!  I need you here, please don't leave me!"

I had left the room, choosing to give clear passage for the paramedics, to my beloved Bill.  I left the room, leaving my sons to continue their CPR to save their father.  Bill chose that moment, when I was no longer in the room, to take God's hand.

What were your final thoughts Bill?

Bill was not one to share with words.  He shared with actions, twitching moustache when he found things amusing along with his preamble, "You're too cute!"  What followed was usually how he would have to explain something I had obviously misunderstood or a faux pas I had just done - like forgetting our anniversary. 

Another cue was the tightening of his jaw; in fact, his jaw would tightened so much sometimes, I half expected to hear the bone crack.  You knew then that he was very upset.

I wonder what Bill's final thoughts were as he surely was watching his family desperately trying to save him.  I say this with confidence for I remember the time when I was pregnant with my youngest and things were not going so well.  I was not yet full term, and the pain I had was certainly not labour.  We had spent the day in the Emergency Room with unbelievable pain. 

By late evening, with no pain relief, I remember at one point, the physical pain was gone, replaced by emotional pain.  I simply wanted to take away the agony I saw on my husband's face.  I watched as the group of people around my bed responded to the sudden drop in my blood pressure.  The nurse moving quickly and the doctor rushing into the room and the anguish on Bill's face!  I remember moving towards him and saying to him, "It's okay!  There is no pain!" wanting to hold him.  All the while, I watched as the medical team busied themselves with my body.

I remember watching the paramedics leaving with Bill and knowing that he was gone.  I was going to the hospital to claim his body.

There is so much that churns through my mind as I journey with my grief.  Memories of days spent exploring the beautiful areas of the city, the day of his death, the way I felt and my actions in those precious moments before he died, along with the ensuing days.

I want to be a "good little griever" because I do not want this to stay undigested in my heart.  I do not want to become bitter by this experience thus tainting my future.  I claim my grief, giving it full expression and when it occupies too much of my mind a numbness takes over and I wonder, why can't I cry?

This taking of my emotional temperature is very exhausting.  This is usually when I seek refuge in my work, in my knitting and in my photography. 

I so often come back to this, "What were your final thoughts Bill?"  Much like in life his thoughts remain with him forevermore! 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.  Amen.

~ Reinhold Niebuhr