Tick tock ...

It is said that when you become a widow, it is like you have just suffered an amputation.  I look down and see two arms, two legs, two feet and I can count all of my toes and all of my fingers.  Yep, just checked it out and everything is accounted for ... except, I think I have lost part of my brain! 

I just got back from driving my youngest son to work and all the way home the remaining part of my brain started going through the list of things I have not done, things I need to get done.  Tick tock, tick tock, the clock is winding down on some of these important obligations.  The car again - always in the car where you have no choice but to exercise your brain.  I make a mental note to put these things on a post-it and by the time I get home I am once again distracted by the simple things in life like taking a bath before getting ready for work.  Amazing how your world shrinks when you are grieving.

I have suffered another loss, one I cannot share just yet, and I find myself back to resorting to impersonating myself to cover up the fact that I seem to have come full circle in my grief.  It is so tempting to simply take all the pills I can, go back to bed and simply lie there in some comatose state because it takes too much energy to face it.  This too shall pass I remind myself.  Don't worry - the pills are not to end, but simply a way to deal and because I have yet to take a pill through this entire journey, I am not sure where that thought came from.  So please, no men in white with straitjackets!  But because I have a responsibility to my children, friends and my professional life, I slip into my pantyhose one leg at a time, button up my blouse and strap on my shoes.  One last look in the mirror and there she is - the Ginette everyone wants to see.

I am off to take a bath, have chosen what to wear and soon I will be off to work where there is a stack of post-its to attend to.