There is no question of getting beyond it. The little boat enters the dark fearful gulf and our only cry is to escape; "put me on land again." But it's useless. Nobody listens. The shadowy figure rows on. One ought to sit still and uncover one's eyes. ~ Katherine Mansfield
Fridays. What more can I say? Actually, yesterday was Friday and I have something new to say. It is time that I can claim that I am not going insane! *Phew* As Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expect a different outcome." But yesterday was about new things, experiencing new outcomes faced with old challenges.
I wrote my blog yesterday morning then wondered, "What now?" It is a day off work and I started to go down the list of things that I need to get done ... the gardens, the back yard, the bank .... TOMBSTONE. *Groan* I try to escape by going down the list again ... the gardens, the back yard, the bank, finish knitting the baby set for a friend ... TOMBSTONE! Too early for a drink. Hmmm ... let's try this again ... the gardens, the back yard, the bank, knitting .... hmmm ... clean out the fridge ... TOMBSTONE! *double groan* too late to go back to bed. My eyes fill with tears and my heart sinks ... why must I face this now? I grow impatient with where this current is leading me and want to cry out - "put me on land again."
Bath - yes, that is a great idea! I march myself up the stairs and sink into my tub and let the water sooth me. I think, I have not asked anyone to join me on this shopping trip so I won't be standing anyone up. But the word TOMBSTONE beats rhythmically in my heart. I've tried going through my list of things to keep me busy, but it always ends up to the same ... TOMBSTONE. I've had two coffees already so forget going back to bed; besides, sleeping as a drug for avoidance has never really been my thing on this journey. So I got my butt out of the tub, brushed my teeth avoiding the mirror and a knock came to the door. It was my middle son requesting a drive to work. Yeah! Sure I said!
Driving back towards home, I put the right blinker on and drove down the road leading to the place for monuments. I see it, and my heart begins to beat faster. I park the car and slowly spill out of it, dragging my feet knowing that I've been spotted by the owners. No turning back. I cross the threshold where two big, warm and wonderful hugs are waiting for me. Although this is a great place to do business, I must inform you that I know the owners. They are amazing! I don't go around hugging proprietors - really I don't! All my anxiety lifted. We talked, I cried and then they listened. Time for business, I tell them what Bill would want and then infuse my reasons for upgrading a little and then we made an appointment to meet next Friday to finalize more details. She suggests that I go back to the gravesite to look around before making a choice between pillow or upright stone. Do I have to? Another first. This would be my first visit without the boys or my sister-in-law when we went to see my mother-in-law's burial spot in March. I leave feeling lighter.
I have a hair appointment. I talk it over with my stylist and tell her to cut it all off. It was time to show off my heritage - my mother's beautiful white hair. Last year, I had mentioned to Bill that I was finally ready to let my white hair show. He said that he was not ready to see me with white hair - as if! His was as white as it can get! So I decided to go blond. I had been thinking of letting my natural colour grow through and yesterday was the day I would begin this process. My stylist would not cut it all off but did a great job blending ... I will be "au naturel" by the next hair cut.
After my cut, I did my banking and bought more coffee then stopped in a little boutique to ... yes, to avoid what needed to happen next. I parked the car outside the graveyard and walked the long path to Bill's gravesite. The grass has not yet covered the site. The burnt candle marked the spot of our visit on Christmas Eve. I looked around avoiding looking at the earth. For a brief moment, I thought to start digging. The tears came. I let them flow and each tear released some of the pain found in this very intimate moment. It was sunny and warm and I remembered, "I will grieve you in the sunlight." I then walked over to my mother-in-law's gravesite, released a few more tears then walked further to my father-in-law's and felt Bill with me. His fingers intertwined with mine and a smile crossed my lips. I was on land again!
When I got home, I began to think of my friend John. Fridays are hard for him too I thought. We share in our experience. Both he and Gwen enjoyed capping their week on Friday, spending time with each other ... as did Bill and I. The outside world mattered not for it was time to be still with each other. That is when I thought I'm going to continue doing new things. I got busy with learning how to use my webcam to make a video message. I sent it off and his response made me GRIN ... more than a smile, it made my heart sing!
I have opened my eyes and faced my loss. I have opened my heart to someone else's pain and found a song.
Ginette, What a hard day that was for you. I couldn't stop crying when I read your description of visiting Bill's grave. So far, by having Gwen's ashes here with me I've managed to avoid that, it was hard enough just looking at the gravestone with her name, date of birth and date of death on it. Surreal. I hope that your day has gone OK, I'm real melancholy tonight, so I played your video again and it cheered me. Thanks.
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