A Straitjacket Affair

I was told that I can expect to feel Bill's presence more strongly after the ninth month.  Much like an expectant mother, I sat patiently with this knowledge. 

Please don't be calling out any men dressed in white uniforms, armed with straitjackets yet!

In a strange way, Bill seems to accompany me more frequently.  He is there, but not there; like a shadow that follows you but is always at arm's length.  There were glimpses of this in the early months, when my desperation was so great and I wanted to give up, he was there.  Things have changed.

It is as if my patience with this knowledge allowed me to become familiar with the reality of separation, allowed time for the components of my life to sift down into their new patterns before I could begin to see that my relationship with Bill is not over.  Our relationship has evolved, it is not over.  It is not what I really want; I would rather have his big old strong arms around me, listen to the soothing sound of his laughter and listen to the sweet lullaby of his heartbeat.  It is different and it has its own reality and comfort.

It is not clear to me whether he comes to me unbidden or perhaps I appeal to him in my thoughts.   There are times like earlier this week, while I was sitting in the garage with my boys, I sensed his presence.  Or last night, when responding to my friend John's eMail in which he had painted the picture of our spouses sitting in Heaven plotting our meeting, I felt warmth and love surround me.  In the past week, I have had two dreams where Bill was there but I could not find him; dreams that seem to speak directly to my needs.  Then this morning, our Loon is back.  For many years, we have enjoyed the call of a loon that flies over the house every morning and returns in the evening.  Many times through the years, I have felt this lonely call tug at my heart for legend has it that a loon will mate for life and this loon had been flying over calling for many years.

Here comes the straitjacket part.  These are very real moments for me and I claim them!  Although some may want to explain this with a scientific explanation of some release of chemicals in my brain, some may want to feel - poor widow, she is losing it and some may simply knowingly smile and nod.

It matters not for I simply keep my heart open and welcome these as gifts of the memory and a presence of Bill's love.

PS - I Googled loons and they don't mate for life.