My life is changing. Every day, I am reminded of the subtle changes and I continue to trust my grief to help me navigate. It is as though I leave forever a life where I have been comfortable and functioning well to enter a new life.
This new life has me living in the same home, working for the same organization and attending to familiar routines with some of the same people surrounding me. However, this new life is different and requires adjustments. I am not the only one to change, for the people who have known me, the me that enjoyed Bill's physical love and support, will need to adapt to who I am becoming.
In the early days of my journey, I was rendered mindless with the pain of my loss. I was broken. I did not want to think of a life without Bill. I was comfortable there. There was nothing more expected of me, or of myself than to remind myself to breath. The pain was enough to keep me connected to Bill, to what I had lost. Then came the overwhelming need to run away. I did not want to be the Widow Walton. I was too young to be a Widow. I was too afraid of the meaning behind it. I did not want to accept that I was to be forever without his physical presence. I was desperate to fill my moments with work, with projects, with people - anything that would offer me release from my pain, anything that would help me break away from this reality. There was no escaping this unbearable prison; no going forward and going back was not an option.
There remains a constant melancholy in my heart, and there are still many moments numbness sets in again. I continue to trust that those who surround m
e, will continue to recognize that I have been forever changed. Nevertheless, with each new memory that places a wistful smile on my lips, my heart is slowly warming.
e, will continue to recognize that I have been forever changed. Nevertheless, with each new memory that places a wistful smile on my lips, my heart is slowly warming.I will grieve you in the sunlight my love, and to do so, I have opened a window. I trust that one day, I may even open a door.
P.S. Thank you God for finally sending beautiful sunny weather to this neck of the woods!
What a beautiful commentary, Ginettte. I was particularly taken by this: "Nevertheless, with each new memory that places a wistful smile on my lips, my heart is slowly warming." I think that your heart has always been warm; your writing and support of others prove it.
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