GAME ON!

They are there everywhere - the reminders of what I have lost.  They echo off one another, filling the empty spaces in my life.

Last night was my first ball hockey game of the Spring season.  I drove to the game feeling odd, traveling down the familiar road but everything felt different.   We have driven this road to the rink so many times as a family, chatting happily about the game and I felt a tug at my heart for this was another beginning without Bill.  Life goes on I reminded myself.  I shed a few silent tears.  These tears have a place in my heart only.  They are shy and will not be seen publicly. 

The excitement of the game started to settle in as I watched the end of the game before mine.  Then it was my turn.  I jumped onto the surface, letting my runners get used to the surface made slippery from the drizzle.  Yep, the heart started to pump - hey I have a heart; it is not numb in this moment.  I shoved my head into my helmet and secured the cage over my face and I felt the thumping of my heart even more along with a smile starting to creep onto my lips.  Next came my beautiful pink gloves; pulling them on, I was reminded of the day Bill and I went to purchase my equipment.  What a laugh we had had about these pink gloves!  I had tried them on in jest but ended up purchasing them after trying others that just did not have the same feel.  Then I picked up my pink stick and heard Bill's voice in my head, "Both hands, drag and flip."  That ball did not stand a chance!  I smacked it against the boards and my heart let out a warrior's cry - well okay, it may not have been much of a "warrior's" cry but it sounded great in that moment.  GAME ON!

Running up and down the surface, breaking loose and flipping, my smile grew larger not only on my lips but also in my heart.  Every so often, my eyes would search the other side of the boards.  Old habits, I was looking for Bill.  But my mind came back to the game and unlike the Fall season, I was not crushed by his absence. My mind was on our game.  VICTORY! 

I came home and as I stepped out of the car I was reminded of the many times we had gotten home and dragged the equipment into the house.  I decided to leave mine in the car - new beginnings.

It was the next moments that capped the day.  Once in the house, my beautiful boys and I went to the garage and I shared the details of the game.  They joined me in my enthusiasm.  It felt great!  At one point I looked up and saw Bill's mammoth picture and realized that in that moment, he was still with us.  Bill lives on in me; he lives on in his sons.  This is a moment that I will tell our grandchildren.

Thank you Bill!